1 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,000 (TYRES SQUEAL) 2 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,600 Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 3 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,680 (LAUGHTER) 4 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:39,160 That's it, Pusface! 5 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:40,320 - Jonny! - Keep running! 6 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,520 - Get off! - What?! 7 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:43,440 Pissface! 8 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:46,720 Agh! Oh! Oh! 9 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,800 - I did it! - You weirdo. 10 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:51,720 Running all the way. 11 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,040 Water! 12 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:55,680 - Water, please? - Ugh! Please! 13 00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,640 My champion! 14 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:03,680 Salt?! You bloody arsehole! 15 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,240 It worked! It worked! 16 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:07,320 Jonathan! 17 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:08,480 Come in, Adam. 18 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,080 You can piss off! 19 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,960 - What...? Oi! - My little Bobble. 20 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,039 Running home to Mummy. 21 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,880 That was a killer. 22 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,320 Classic. 23 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,320 Ow! 24 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:22,360 Mum! 25 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,440 Come through, sweetie. 26 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,080 Dead. 27 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,800 (CHORTLES) 28 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:30,720 Here you are, darling. 29 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,640 - Thirsty. - I bet you are. So brave. 30 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:37,080 So brave? So disgusting! (SNIFFS) Oh, he stinks. 31 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:39,960 Er, do you want me to rub my sweaty groin juice all over your face? 32 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,759 - You dare! - Boys! Ugh, groin juice?! 33 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,120 Revolting! (TUTS) 34 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:45,120 Oh, beef tonight. 35 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,560 - Beef? Boom! Yes! - 36 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:51,039 And I thought maybe you were going to ask your girlfriends over, 37 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,600 you know, the ones we've never met. 38 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,400 - You thought wrong. - Very wrong. 39 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,440 Oh, it is Dad's birthday. 40 00:01:56,479 --> 00:01:58,560 Where is the birthday boy...er, man? 41 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:00,960 And what is this doing here? 42 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,080 Cos your not-mad father made me take it all down. 43 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,040 - Did he? - He's been such a misery guts all day. 44 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,160 I don't know what to do with him. 45 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:08,199 Push him off the roof? 46 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:09,800 - (LAUGHS) - Finally. 47 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,440 Wait! Just a minute. 48 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,680 - There, Bobble. - Really? 49 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:15,840 Good boy. 50 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,800 - Good dog. - Pissface. 51 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:20,520 Oh, hello, Martin. 52 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:21,840 - (GRUNTS) - Happy birthday, Dad. 53 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,079 Happy birthday. 54 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:23,960 Balls! 55 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:24,880 - Sorry? - What? 56 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,520 - Balls! - Can you please stop saying "balls" 57 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,640 every time anyone wishes you a happy birthday?! See?! 58 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,200 Why are you dressed like a berk? 59 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,079 You are in a good mood, aren't you?! 60 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,560 Martin, you know Adam was running here tonight. 61 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,560 Why were you running again? 62 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,560 - Cos he's a tit. - Groin juice? 63 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,040 - Don't you dare! - Don't you remember? 64 00:02:40,079 --> 00:02:41,400 For his training. 65 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,200 The race, remember? Sunday? 66 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:44,760 What? Oh, yeah. The marathon. 67 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,760 - It's not a marathon. - Really? 68 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,120 You're running a marathon, aren't you? 69 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,280 Very good. You know it's not a marathon. 70 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,440 - Sorry. Half marathon. - Keep going. 71 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,280 You don't mean quarter marathon, do you?! 72 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:58,320 Stop it, Jonny. It's not a quarter marathon, is it? It's a half marathon. 73 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,000 Mum, I told you, it's a quarter marathon. 74 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,200 That's what I've been training for - a quarter marathon. 75 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,200 Quarter marathon? Does that even exist?! 76 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,760 I bet you couldn't run a quarter marathon. 77 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,320 Course I could. What, is it? A mile? 78 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:08,960 Er, 6.5 miles. 79 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,280 6.55 miles. 80 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:12,320 Human calculator. 81 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,080 - Ugh! I need more water. - Allow me. 82 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,360 Er, no thanks. 83 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,000 Boys, behave. 84 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,160 Pusface. 85 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,600 Did you make these? 86 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,920 Seriously, do you have to be such a dick? 87 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,120 Yup. And seriously, do you have to smell like a sewer? 88 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,640 Um, no, that's just your face. 89 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:28,960 Sorry? 90 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,960 - Groin juice? - Urgh! 91 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,880 - No! - Adam! 92 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,400 (JONNY HOWLS) 93 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,400 It's actually 6.554 miles. 94 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,360 Oh! 95 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:47,840 So, we only got you a couple of things, cos you only asked for a couple of things. 96 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,440 The world's most boring couple of things. 97 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,120 - Here. - Is this a present? 98 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,720 No, it's your arse. Course it's a present! 99 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,680 No need to say thank you. 100 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,520 - It's a battery tester. - Yes. 101 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,040 Well, say thank you. 102 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,600 In a minute! I haven't tested it yet. 103 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,160 You're going to test the battery tester? 104 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,400 Obviously. 105 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,240 God, how much crap do you keep in your pockets? 106 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,680 Pillock. Here, have a pound! 107 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,720 Ow! God, Dad! 108 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,839 - Martin! - (LAUGHS) Nice shot, Dad. 109 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,079 (TESTER BEEPS) 110 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,920 It works. 111 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,920 You're welcome. 112 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,960 - (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, please stop calling me. 113 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,920 (SIGHS) It's your wretched mother again. 114 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,920 Ugh! Horrible Grandma?! 115 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,960 Hello again, Cynthia. 116 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,200 It's Martin's birthday. 117 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,880 I know, Cynthia. 118 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,440 Martin's my only son. 119 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,960 Cynthia, we've had this conversation three times already. 120 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:52,560 We're having a quiet night in, just the four of us, OK? 121 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,440 - She hung up. Again. - Good. 122 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:56,520 Nice one, Mum. 123 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,320 I'm sorry, but I'm not having that grotty old moose ruining 124 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:00,920 another of Dad's birthdays. 125 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,200 Yes, another of Dad's wonderful birthdays. 126 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,960 Huh? 127 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,320 Here, Mr Wonderful. 128 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,400 Is that my other present? 129 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,240 No, it's your other arse. 130 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,440 Drill bits. 131 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,600 You're welcome again. 132 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,440 Where are you going? 133 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,400 Well, to test the drill bits, obviously. 134 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,960 - (CHUCKLES) - What is wrong with him tonight?! 135 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,760 Maybe we could drill into his head to find out. 136 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,080 - (DRILLING) - Dad! 137 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,160 Right! 138 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,320 I'm not having any more of this crap! 139 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:34,760 My drill! 140 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,080 Martin, it's your birthday. 141 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,080 Why are you being such a grumpy git the whole time?! 142 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,120 - What are you talking about? - I'm serious. 143 00:05:40,159 --> 00:05:41,480 - What is going on? - What? 144 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,360 Nothing is going on. 145 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,400 (TUTS) 146 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:45,880 - Dad? - Dad? 147 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,640 (SIGHS) All right! God. 148 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,920 I'm not going into space. 149 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,360 I'm sorry? 150 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,880 I'm not going into bloody space! 151 00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,240 Wha...? 152 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:03,880 You're not going into space? When are you not going into space? 153 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,240 - Tonight? - Well, obviously not tonight! 154 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:07,480 Did you see my spaceship outside?! 155 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,360 Er, have you been drinking? 156 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:10,440 Yeah, out of the drains? 157 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,480 What are you talking about, Martin? 158 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,040 I read an article. 159 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,480 Right. 160 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:16,800 Read it. 161 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,360 What? The whole article? 162 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:19,560 Oh, bleeding hell! 163 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,240 "Affordable space travel for all 164 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:27,280 "not expected until 2050, say experts." 165 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,440 And? 166 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,720 2050. 167 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,000 - And?! - Well, I'll be dead by then, won't I? 168 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,120 - Will you? - Yes. 169 00:06:36,159 --> 00:06:39,200 - Right, and who told you that? - Your psychic doctor? 170 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,920 Prats. The computer system. 171 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,159 - It's called the internet, but do go on. - There was this programme on it, 172 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,000 and it asks your date of birth 173 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:48,080 and other stuff, and then it tells you when you're going to, you know, die. 174 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:51,720 Oh, Martin. Why would you do that? 175 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,280 I die on April 9th, 2048. 176 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,680 - Oh, my God, Dad! - I did yours as well. 177 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:57,880 - No way! - What?! 178 00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:58,800 You did the boys? 179 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,320 Er, we really don't want to know when we die, thank you! 180 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:02,600 - Yeah! - You looked up 181 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,800 when our lovely sons are going to... 182 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,720 - ...perish? - What? 183 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,640 How could you do such a thing?! You didn't do mine, did you? 184 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,520 Well, you last a couple of months after me. 185 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:12,280 Oh, my God! 186 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:14,560 - Incredible. - 3rd of June, 2048. 187 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:15,800 - Dad! - Martin! 188 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:16,840 Right. 189 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,560 Thank you for telling me when I'm actually going to die. 190 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:20,920 Thank you so much! 191 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,200 You're unbelievable! 192 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,240 Eh? Calm down, Jackie. 193 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,560 It's probably not the exact exact date. 194 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,480 - Just go away. - Although, it's probably pretty close, 195 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,400 because I did have to put in quite a lot of your medical data so, er... 196 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,320 Right. Thank you again! 197 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:35,400 (DOORBELL) 198 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:39,280 (SIGHS) If that's your bloody mother coming to ruin everything... 199 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,760 I am so angry with you! 200 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,560 Well done. 201 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,000 Yes, good work, Doctor Death. 202 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,240 Please don't be her. 203 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:49,960 (GROANS) 204 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,880 Jackie? 205 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,400 Oh, Jim! Thank God it's you. 206 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,840 Oh, Jackie, thank God it's you, too. 207 00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,880 - Um, can I help you, Jim? - What? 208 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:04,480 Oh, yes, we just popped round to wish Martin a happy birthday, 209 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,400 didn't we, Milson? 210 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:07,880 Um, hello, Jim. 211 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,320 Happy birthday, Martin. 212 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:10,760 - Balls! - Ugh! 213 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,200 Um, Jim, could I have your date of birth, please? 214 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,480 - Do not tell him. - Don't tell him that. 215 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,160 Right, why don't you go in there and practise holding your breath 216 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,160 - for an hour, hmm? - Jackie! 217 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,560 Bye-bye, Martin. 218 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,680 But, Jackie! 219 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,720 - Anything else, Jim? - Yes, um, 220 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:29,000 I wondered if I could perhaps perform some magic tricks for the birthday boy. 221 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,360 - What? - Magic tricks? 222 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:31,920 You do magic? 223 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,400 Oh, yes, we've been teaching ourselves 224 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,080 lots of magic tricks lately, haven't we, Milson? 225 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:38,520 Look. 226 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:54,920 - What are you doing? - Magic with my magic hankie. 227 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:59,160 Does Martin enjoy magic? 228 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,200 Absolutely hates it. 229 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,240 Would rather set his head on fire. 230 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,000 Um, do come in, Jim. 231 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,080 Any card? 232 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,440 Any card, Martin. 233 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,360 Bleeding hell. Now what? 234 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,160 Look at the card. 235 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,320 And now tell me what the card is. 236 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,400 Really? Um, the four of clubs. 237 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,560 (BREATHES HEAVILY) 238 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:32,120 Martin Goodman, is your card the king of diamonds? 239 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,680 - What?! - No. The four of clubs! 240 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:39,200 - Oh, yes. I can never do that one. - Well, thanks so much, Jim. 241 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:43,400 Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think Jim's quite finished. Have you? 242 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:47,240 Oh, no, Jackie, I've got lots more magic for Martin. 243 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:54,000 - How exciting! Do carry on, Jim. - Yes, bravo! 244 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,360 - Bravo! - Buggers. 245 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,680 Well, that's your dad sorted for the night! 246 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,640 Maybe Jim will saw him in half. 247 00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,520 - (CHUCKLES) - Or much smaller pieces. 248 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:06,840 Shall we just start dinner without him? 249 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:07,880 - Yes, please! - Definitely. 250 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:12,440 Right. Birthday beef without the birthday boy! 251 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:13,960 252 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,400 - - (DOOR CLOSES) 253 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,880 Huh? Hello? 254 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,120 What are you doing? Where's Jim? 255 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:22,920 - He's gone. - Gone? 256 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,120 Yeah, I paid him and he went. 257 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,160 - You paid him? - Ah! 258 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,760 So that's how you get rid of Jim. 259 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,320 - What did you pay him with? - I found 20 quid in your purse. 260 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,960 - Fantastic. - Er, thank you very much, Martin. 261 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,120 Can I have my dinner now? 262 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,600 No, you cannot have your dinner now. 263 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,640 - Boys? - Jackie! 264 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:40,240 What am I going to bleeding eat? It's my birthday! 265 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,240 Er, really? I thought it was your death day. 266 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,000 Not this crap again. 267 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,480 Well, maybe we don't want our dinner with someone who keeps telling us 268 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:48,480 - when we're gonna drop dead. - What?! 269 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:49,560 I didn't tell you 270 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,600 - when the boys were going to drop dead. - How kind. 271 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,200 Anyway, those two have nothing to worry about. 272 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,440 They go on for years. 273 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:55,680 Please shut up. 274 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,880 Yes, shut up, Martin. Oh, potatoes. 275 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:01,920 You last right up to the Mars Colonisation Programme. 276 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:06,360 Um, and what year is the Mars Colonisation Programme? 277 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,240 Er... 278 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:10,920 2085. 279 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,320 - (GROANS) - Wait! 280 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,800 2085 - that's all right, isn't it? 281 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,200 Er, yeah, actually, that is ages away. 282 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,840 See! And you get to go to Mars, you lucky sods. 283 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,280 What do you think about that? 284 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:23,640 - Yeah, that's pretty cool. - Yeah. 285 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:28,200 Sorry, no. Adam, you get to go to Mars. Jonny, you don't. 286 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:29,680 - What?! - Cos you die first. 287 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,600 - Ah! - I die first?! 288 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,200 But Adam's older than me! 289 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,680 Yeah, but he lives longer cos of his, you know, running and exercise. 290 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,240 Of course! My running and exercise. 291 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,280 (GROANS) 292 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,720 July 22nd, 2082. That's when you die. 293 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,000 Oh, my God! 294 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:46,200 - What?! - Dad just told me my death day. 295 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,440 - Oh, Martin! - Ow! 296 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,120 July 22nd, 2082. 297 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,400 Don't tell me, Jonny! 298 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,440 Ow! 299 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,720 Jackie, calm down. Adam's gonna go to Mars, isn't that fantastic? 300 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,520 - That is fantastic. - I need a drink. 301 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,920 But, Jackie, Mars! Don't you think that's incredible? 302 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,560 Mars, Mars, Mars. 303 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:03,760 Brilliant. 304 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,400 Well, I promise I'll give you a lovely funeral. 305 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:10,640 - Thank you. - And I'll try not to fart on your grave. 306 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:14,760 Pusface! Anyway, it's all crap, isn't it, working out when you're gonna die? 307 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:15,880 Yeah. 308 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,440 It's just a shame you never took up running. 309 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,920 Right, well, I'll just start running now, then I'll live longer than you. 310 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,760 You're gonna start running now, are you? 311 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,000 Yeah. Let's go for a run. 312 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,680 Sorry? You want to go for a run right now? 313 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,320 Yes, I can run as far as you - easy! 314 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,280 - Where are you going? - Putting my shoes on. 315 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:33,160 Pissface?! 316 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,040 - Your mother! - What? 317 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,920 Oh. Yeah. 318 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,640 Go on, then. 319 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,200 March 20th, 2085. 320 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,080 Great. 321 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,680 - You're running now?! - Now? 322 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,640 - Yes! - You can't run now. We've got beef. 323 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,400 - Can you move out of the way, please? - Jonny! 324 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,160 Yes, he has gone insane. 325 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,240 Right. Ready, Pusface? 326 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:02,400 Wait. 327 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,560 - That's not... - Oh, my God. 328 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,560 Horrible Grandma. 329 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,080 Happy birthday, Martin. 330 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,120 Balls! 331 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:16,840 Banning me from seeing my son on his birthday... 332 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,800 I wasn't banning you, Cynthia. 333 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,440 My only son. 334 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,400 I don't think we got your card this year, did we, Martin? 335 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,560 - Jackie. - That's because I didn't send a card. 336 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:27,640 Fair enough. 337 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,720 Oh, I thought you were going to give Martin a present then. 338 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,200 Bleeding hell, Jackie. 339 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,760 Why would I give Martin a present? 340 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,400 His birthday, perhaps? 341 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:38,960 But he's not a baby. 342 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,320 Um, that's not quite how birthdays work. 343 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,400 - Horrible... - Grandma. 344 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,960 I stopped giving Martin presents years ago when he was seven. 345 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,080 - Six. - Yes, six. 346 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:52,880 I remember, because I just re-wrapped the same present 347 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,520 I'd given him when he was five. (LAUGHS) 348 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,400 - Lovely. - A whistle. 349 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,800 - Lovely. - Well, he wasn't to know, was he? 350 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,160 - Jackie, can we bloody eat now? - All right! 351 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:04,280 I'm looking forward to the beef. 352 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,640 Oh, are you, Cynthia? 353 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,200 Well, it's about the only thing you make that's edible. 354 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:13,760 Get rid of her? How am I going to get rid of her? 355 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,400 Er, poison? 356 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,280 - Garrotting? - Drowning in a bucket! 357 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:18,840 - Any of those will do. - Idiots. 358 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,200 I really don't care how you get rid of her, Martin - 359 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,080 you can take her to Mars in your spaceship if you like. 360 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,840 Jackie, I don't have a spaceship! 361 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,840 Ju... OK. 362 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,880 Let's all just sit down, eat our beef and... 363 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:34,600 Eat our beef?! I am not eating my lovely beef with that...woman. 364 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,080 - But, Jackie. - And instead of looking up 365 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:38,000 when your wife and kids drop dead, 366 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,400 why don't you look up when your pig of a mother snuffs it?! 367 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:41,560 Er, yes, actually! 368 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,360 Who the hell do you think I looked up first?! 369 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,560 - And? - She lives to a shitting 100. 370 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,400 - Of course she does. - What?! 371 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,280 OK, well, if you're not going to get rid of her, 372 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,520 you can have your dinner with her. 373 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:53,760 Huh? 374 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:58,160 Jacqueline, are you going to feed me tonight or what? 375 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,000 Oh, yes, Cynthia. 376 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,240 - And? - Grim. 377 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,480 Really? How grim? 378 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,080 - Prison grim. - Ooh, that is grim. 379 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,560 Well, he wanted a shitty birthday, so... 380 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,200 To Dad's shitty birthday! 381 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,480 ADAM AND MUM: Dad's shitty birthday! 382 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:25,520 Uh... 383 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:26,960 Er, no, you're not allowed in here! 384 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,440 What? Please don't send me back in there. 385 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,280 Martin, go and sit with your mother! 386 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,280 But, Jackie, I can't take it in there any more. 387 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,720 Any more? You've been in there for, like, two minutes. 388 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,720 What, that long?! 389 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,880 - Oh, hello, Mum. - There's been a little accident. 390 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,560 It's all over them! 391 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:46,040 Yes, I don't know how it happened. 392 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,560 I must have just slipped and somehow bumped into the bottle. 393 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,080 It's on the walls as well! 394 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,760 Yes, it is, isn't it? 395 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,000 And this wall? 396 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,080 You did this on purpose, didn't you, Cynthia? 397 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,320 - I beg your pardon? - Oh, God. 398 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:02,160 You know, Cynthia, you come here and you treat this place like crap. 399 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,720 Oh, do I, Jacqueline? 400 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:05,320 Yes, you bloody do! 401 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,880 Well, maybe that's because this place is crap. 402 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,520 - Er... - This place is crap, is it? 403 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,280 Yes. Crap. 404 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,360 - And the food. - Really? 405 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,240 I thought you liked my beef - you said it was "edible". 406 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,520 Well, I was wrong. 407 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,560 It was inedible. 408 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,200 Sort of see that one coming. 409 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,760 And you know what else is crap? 410 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,120 No, do tell me. 411 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,600 Your family. 412 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:33,200 Your family is crap! 413 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,120 You'd better bloody say something right now. 414 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,160 Er, Mum... 415 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,360 Have you finished your meal? 416 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,720 Oh, my God! My family's crap?! 417 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:45,520 Well, I've got news for you, Cynthia, you're part of this crap family! 418 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,120 And don't I bloody know it?! 419 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:51,000 With my crap daughter-in-law and her crap hair! 420 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,480 Crap hair?! 421 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,600 And those idiotic boys, 422 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,680 whose names I can barely be bothered to remember. 423 00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,400 - I'm Nicholas. - And I'm Lawrence. 424 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,280 And your son? Eh, Cynthia? 425 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:03,880 What about your son? Your only son? 426 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:09,000 Well, he used to be bearable, but then he met you. 427 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:15,760 Right! 428 00:17:16,839 --> 00:17:17,960 Martin. 429 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,119 I'm not taking this shit any more! 430 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:24,520 You, Cynthia Goodman, are a terrible mother! 431 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,440 - Hooray! - And a terrible human being! 432 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,840 - Hoorah! - Oh, it's all coming out now! 433 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,520 Well, don't think I don't know your secret name for me. 434 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,760 It's Horrible Grandma, isn't it? 435 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,480 Yup! It's Horrible Grandma! 436 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:40,240 Cos you're the most horrible grandma in the world. 437 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,440 Er, universe. 438 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:42,240 - Multiverse. - Huh? 439 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,120 Well, cos scientists think there could be any number of universes out there. 440 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:49,280 - Yeah, maybe later. - Well, since you all hate me so much... 441 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,200 And we do. 442 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,320 - You're going home and never coming back? - No. 443 00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:56,320 I'm going to stay right here, and you'll never get rid of me! 444 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:58,440 (GIGGLES) 445 00:17:58,480 --> 00:17:59,840 You're a pig! 446 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,280 Well, you would know! 447 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,120 (DOOR SLAMS) 448 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,120 Oh, my God. 449 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,360 What just happened? 450 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,680 More gin. More gin! 451 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:11,960 (GLASS SMASHES) 452 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,360 What the...? 453 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,000 Huh? 454 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,640 Oh, dear! The shelves just fell off the wall! 455 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,760 OK, if that cow isn't out of 456 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,000 - this bloody house in two seconds...! - I just told you 457 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,920 I'm not going anywhere! 458 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,880 Right, then, I'm getting out of this bloody house! 459 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:30,840 - Jackie... - Boys, we're going for a run. 460 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,680 - What?! - Mum? 461 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,480 - And Martin? - Yes? 462 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,440 You're staying here and guarding your lunatic of a mother. 463 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,040 Oh, shitting shit! 464 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,440 Careful you don't break both your legs, Jacqueline. 465 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:41,320 (GROWLS) 466 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:42,920 - (GIGGLES) - Come on! 467 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,760 - Best night ever? - Possible! 468 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,040 Hello, all! 469 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,280 Oh, God. No, Jim, not now. 470 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:51,560 Sorry, Jackie, but I think I left something in your house. 471 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,000 Well, you can get it tomorrow, OK? Excuse me. 472 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,120 But I must have it now, Jackie. I must! 473 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,920 It's my hankie. 474 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,600 Your hankie. 475 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,200 My magic hankie. 476 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,760 I'm sure I left it in here somewhere. 477 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,560 - Please hurry up. - Please! 478 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,840 I can't believe you made her tea. 479 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:08,920 (SPLUTTERS) 480 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,120 It's delicious. 481 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:14,200 Oh, here it is! Silly me. 482 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,640 It was in my pocket the whole time. 483 00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,560 - (SNORTS) - What is it? 484 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:19,920 It's my magic hankie. 485 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,840 Well, bye, all! 486 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,400 Er, goodbye, Jim. 487 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,080 Actually, Jim... 488 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,160 ...how would you like to perform some magic 489 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,440 for my wonderful mother-in-law? 490 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,480 Well, get on with it, you silly man! 491 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,120 Mrs Cynthia Goodman, 492 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,720 is your card 493 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,320 the ten of hearts? 494 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:56,040 I just told you, you idiot - it's the queen of bloody spades! 495 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,080 Oh. 496 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,800 Such a difficult one, isn't it, Jim? 497 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:00,600 Yes, it's difficult, isn't it? 498 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,400 Perhaps you'd like to see me make something 499 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,360 - disappear? - I'd like to see you 500 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,880 make someone disappear. 501 00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:12,520 Actually, why don't you make me disappear from this stupid craphole? 502 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,880 Aw, how sweet. 503 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,120 Um, OK, then, Mrs Goodman. 504 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:20,000 - Perhaps I could borrow this towel? - The magic towel? 505 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,680 The magic towel. 506 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,080 And so... 507 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,920 ...I say the magic word... 508 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,200 ...Abadababadababada... 509 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,320 ...and she's gone! 510 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:40,120 Er, isn't she just sort of behind the towel? 511 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:43,880 What? Oh, no, no, she's definitely disappeared. 512 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,360 - Right. - And now, 513 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,600 with the power of magic, I will make her come back again. 514 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:49,960 Please don't. 515 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:54,200 Abadababadababada... 516 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,320 Cynthia? 517 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,200 As I said, with such a massive heart attack, 518 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:03,760 she really wouldn't have felt a thing, 519 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,360 Mr Goodman - all just very quick and painless. 520 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,760 A good way to go. 521 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,920 - Thanks, Doctor. - Thank you. 522 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,480 Wow. 523 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:16,920 Yeah. 524 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:21,640 Again, Martin, I'm so sorry that I killed your mother. 525 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,560 With my magic. 526 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,800 - Er, right, Jim. - In a way, 527 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,240 I did sort of make her disappear. 528 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,360 - Goodbye, Jim. - Come on, Milson. 529 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:31,760 Good girl. 530 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:36,720 Ooh, and Martin, here's that £20 back. 531 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,400 Buy yourself something nice at the funeral. 532 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,080 - Er... - Goodbye, Jim. 533 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,560 Well, she definitely didn't last to 100. 534 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:52,000 - Adam. - It's all just so strange. 535 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,520 - What? Being murdered by magic? - Jonny! 536 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:58,560 - And on my birthday, too. - Yeah, your birthday. 537 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,320 What a birthday. 538 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,120 Oh, poor Dad. 539 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,720 Yeah. 540 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:11,680 I'm sorry, Dad. 541 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,160 (SOBS) 542 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:17,880 That's it, Martin. Aw, let it all out. 543 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,640 (SOBS TURN TO LAUGHTER) 544 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,480 - Er... - It's just nerves. 545 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:30,920 Is it nerves? 546 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,120 It's not nerves! 547 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:38,080 (UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)